Other people, though, are so anti anti-depressants. Even medical professionals can be quite negative about them. Now I know they can be abused and over-prescribed but so can most drugs. I have an underactive thyroid and no-one has ever suggested I would be better off taking a lower dose of Thyroxine, or trying to wean myself off it altogether. And when my thyroid got better (after having bubs) I lowered my does accordingly. Then when it got a bit worse I increased my dose. I (and my doctor) paid attention to my symptoms and used the drugs to reduce the impact of those symptoms on my life. I don’t understand how this is a bad thing. How can someone look down on me for enabling myself to function better, look after my daughter better and enjoy life more.

There are risks with taking most drugs and the key is to allow the person themselves evaluate whether the benefits of the drugs outweigh the potential side effects. And to not feel ashamed by their decision!!!

Rant finished.

Here are some of my favourite passages;

“To suffer from anorexia nervosa is to have your own self mercilessly screaming at you every second of every days. For years I remember literally not understanding how it would be possible to sit and feel the way I did for minutes, let alone hours, days or years without dying from the inside out, actually disintergrating with sadness. For what seemed like an indescribably long periods of time, every time I found myself crying I honestly believed I would never be able to stop.”

This describes the first couple of weeks after Kidlet – the first week was fantastic then the PND hit. I spent a couple of days crying and then after trying to get admitted to hospital and being refused because I wasn’t suicidal I spent a weekend at home feeling like each second took a year to pass. I remember saying to the nurse at the hospital that I wouldn’t survive the weekend, not because I wanted to hurt myself but because Monday seemed like such a long long time away! I just want to go to sleep and wake up a year later. I hated being awake and just wanted to sleep sleep and sleep.

“Recovering from the disease is like climbing out of a well. You seem completely isolated. You often have no idea how to proceed. The struggle overwhelms you, so that you are not able to contemplate or interact with anything else. It is torturous, and to simply let go and fall often seems inevitable, and always seems easier. Sometimes, you simply have to stay where you are for a while. But as long as you don’t let go, this is not a failure. To get out takes what seems like an eternity, you don’t see the top until you get there. …
Whether as an individual, a parent, a sibling, a friend or a community, we cannot provide alleviation for the mental agony that is recovery. As much as we would like to, we cannot pull out loved ones out, or crawl up from them. What we can do is wait at the top of the well. What we must do is believe in them when they cannot believe in themselves. For however long it takes. “

This was perhaps the most helpful part for me. It describes where I feel like I am at. I’m at the bottom of the well, I try occasionally to crawl up but this is difficult because my mental state is still so heavy. I know my friends and family are waiting and helping as much as they can.It was also helpful for me to understand that I need to be the one that facilitates my recover – nothing my husband does will every be enough to feel my need. This is an area where being a Christian is really helpful, and the tension between God looking after me and me looking after myself is complicated and paradoxical. But that can be another post! (And it will be!) I feel like I’m quite far down in the well, not as deep as I was, but also not making much progress. I feel like I’m treading water at the moment, waiting for the hormonal imbalance suffered after birth resettles and I can start my climb out!

“Until recently, I never believed that anyone, even those who had experienced the disease, understood the psychological trauma that I experienced. It is only through discussing and reading about anorexia nervosa and depresion that I have realised that as much as it feels like your well is deeper and darker than anyone else’s, other people have gone through very similar experiences. It is a blessing that those who haven’t been through this experience cannot entirely identify with your struggle.”

This is a really important idea for me. We are all arrogant in our own thoughts, and think that we have had the hardest life, experiences etc. But in truth I am a well loved, financially secure, middle-class adult. I have God’s unconditional love, and have been washed clean by Jesus. I have it so much better than a lot of people in my situation and I should be focusing on these things, not dwelling constantly on the negatives. My counsellor was amazed at how well grounded I was that while I was not coping at all with my thoughts, emotions and anxieties, I knew I was loved and never doubted that. She said that I would’ve been a lot harder had I not had such a stable base.

Anyway, I hope you can relate to this article as much as I did. Please feel free to share other stories that you found encouraging.

The article was written by Rachael Taylor and published in Sydney’s Child October 2009.

Why am I writing a blog anonymously? Well, I want this blog to be about PND, not about me! I have an amazing support structure in my immediate family (husband, mum, parents-in-law, siblings) and close friends. They cheer me up, cry with me, train me in coping techniques, help me understand what is going on, put up with my moodiness and help look after kidlet! I feel aptly supported, so the blog isn’t for me. It is for the other sufferers, those who are supported and those who aren’t. I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me. I’m actually doing great, apart from the depression!

Catch 22. Now there is something important to say first up! It is really hard to write a blog when you’re depressed! I have tried and tried to get this started over the last two weeks but with no luck. So hopefully I will be encouraged by everyone’s feedback and replies to keep posting and not just when things are going well! Please let me know when you read something that resonates or even when something is totally different for you. Please let me know when something makes you think of something else, I like random connections and tangents! And please let any of your friends know about this blog if you think it will be helpful for them!

NOTE: If you know this is my blog or work it out (I don’t think it will be hard) then please don’t refer to me or my family on the blog – I know this is obvious, but an easy mistake to make! Also, if I slip up and use a real name please let me know!

My little girl is 5 months tomorrow. WOW! It has gone so fast and at times so slow… I have come to a huge realisation in the last few weeks – I love kidlet but I don’t necessarily love being a mum. I love my little girl far more than I thought I would or could. Which has been a very lovely surprise. But I don’t like having unstructured and often empty days. I am not good with being idle, and because kitdlet is a good sleeper I am often bored (hence too much stalkbook!) I need to find some projects to keep me busy. Any ideas? I have a few ideas but they aren’t very exciting – like cleaning and cooking. I have joined the gym and will audit (listen to) a couple of College subjects this year. My husband is very lovely and keeps trying to find things for me to do, but my main problem is that I am lazy! At least when I work I have to do stuff… I can’t wait to get back to work for 2 days in the second half of this year. I just need an outlet for my extra energy. And I need a lot of motivation (ie money) to do it!

Well, how am I doing? Very well actually. My anxiety is still a problem, especially in regard to sleep. I have trouble falling asleep and early morning insomnia too. I spend a lot of time stressed about nothing in particular and that can be tiring. When I am busy I don’t have time to worry, and that is one of the reasons I like to be busy. I am counselling in the next week or two, which should help. My thyroid has decided to work a little worse in the last few weeks and I have been very tired. But we have now corrected the does and I should be feeling less exhausted this week. I am very happy and almost content (I am trying to be content and generally suceeding)…

And what about kidlet? She is a champion. She is so happy and easy going. She loves life and is very playful and adventurous. She can roll from stomach to back, and very rarely the other way. She can grab and hold and reach out for things. In the last 2 days she has just started sitting unaided. It is very awkward, and rather precarious, but it is sitting. She falls with the slightest provocation. She hasn’t chuckled yet, but has laughed a few times. We are still waiting for the throaty chuckle! She loves her Jolly Jumper and being pulled from lying to standing. She still hates getting dressed but loves being nude and nappy-less. She is having 3 sleeps during the day, 2 longer ones and 1 shorter one. She is awake for only 1.5-2.5 hours at a time and then starts to lose it.

Hubby is starting his final year of college this year, and it will be interesting how we all cope as he gets busier and busier. It has been lovely with all of us at home.

I am in a much better place than I was 4-5 months ago, and pray it continues. I am thankful to God for all of his blessings (and there are so many). I pray that I will continue to be a loyal and willing servant for Jesus.

Well, it has been a few weeks since I have written a note, but that has mainly been because things have been going so well.

Kidlet is lovely. She is a good feeder and sleeper, she often sleeps for 7-9 hours in one go at night. I am so lucky! (So far!) She is growing well and has already grown out of 000 clothes. She is such a fatty! She should fit 000 until 3 months, but she is already 3 month size.

The drugs are working really well, I feel great and am very fond of kidlet these days which is nice. She is hilarious, she makes the funniest noises – when she is sleeping, feeding or just playing! She has started smiling all the time, which is also lovely. She is still not very interactive – at times she will look at us, but most of the time she just stares at the bookshelf! When she is happily awake she will poke her tongue out if you poke yours out first! We’re teaching good life skills here!

I have been sleeping much better too, in fact I feel great – not sleep deprived yet! I keep praying it continues!

Hubby makes sure I get out of the house by myself, even if it is just to do the shopping! Yesterday I went to the movies and saw Burn After Reading! It was lovely to have that much time to myself. Hubby is such a legend! His exams start next week, but he is still looking after me!

We are going to my Aunt’s wedding in 2 weeks in Mooloolaba! It is the weekend between hubby’s exams! I’m really looking forward to it! I just hope I can find a dress that will fit me!

So far, I have decided I like newborns, you have so much time to get things done. Yesterday I made 3 spinach pies, for some other new mums. And today I am making a cake for mothers group (and because we have old bananas!) I just keep praying that things will stay good – but I also feel like I have alot more in reserve for harder times.

Thanks to everyone who has been helping me and praying for me!!

Well, kidlet is a month old tomorrow! That is exciting.

She is a lovely baby. She slept for 7 hours last night. At 4 weeks that is pretty special. Hubby and I hope that it is the start of a pattern and not just a once off. Will keep you posted!

She has had alot of gas, esp in the early evening. We are learning why she has gas (its my fault! Too much milk too quickly) and looking at ways to prevent her “gulping” her milk. I will also let you know if we are successful with reducing the gas. It is really horrible when she gets gas. She bunches her legs up and screams. We’ve tried lots of things – burping well, cycling legs, keeping her upright. But perhaps prevention is better than cure…

The other thing we are learning about our little girl is she is a noisy little bugger. She grunts and meows all the time. I’ve re-named her Butthead (as in Beavis and) because she makes a noise like his laugh… She often vocalises while she is feeding. It is quite funny. She makes so so so much noise while she sleeps, we had her in our room for a whole 3 days before we moved her out!! She often cries in her sleep too (gas?) but goes straight back to sleep. We’ve stopped going into check on her for just one cry!!

Apart from the gas and the noise, she is a lovely child. She smiled at me last week, and hubby got his first smile this morning (and his second).

My medication has just been increased. We will know in 2 weeks whether it is at the right dose. I am feeling alot better, but I still have quite a way to go… I am getting more confident and happier as each day goes by! Which is nice.

Anyway Butthead is stirring, I should go and see what she wants!! Babies are so constant…

Wow, kidlet is 3 weeks old. 10 days ago I couldn’t have comprehended making it to 3 weeks, it seemed so far away. Time was moving so so so slowly.

2 weeks ago I started suffering from Post Natal Anxiety/Depression, and after a horrible weekend I started medication last Monday. Unfortunately the meds take up to 2 weeks to start working, so I am only really starting to feel better now, although every day is a bit of a lottery… Often dependent on how much sleep I get… I have been going to bed at 8pm though, so I do tend to get enough sleep even if kidlet is a bit of a ratbag… Which happens often. She can be very unsettled. We think she has some digestion issues, because she screams after a feed until she burps or farts!!! We are all learning how to best help each other. She is still a good sleeper though, once asleep will sleep for 4-6 hours at night… What a star! The other star is my husband who has pretty much done most of the night settling… I really did marry well.

The upside of the medicine is that I am much more fond of the little girl now than 2 weeks ago. I am actually able to enjoy spending time with her. Which is nice. I love drugs.

Having my brother here last week was lovely – and helped me get out of my own headspace. And my mum will be here for the next 4 days, so hopefully my house will be a bit tidier!! Well, we can only hope!

She has also changed alot since she was born. She looks like a totally different person. She has also broken out in pimples everywhere – which is a little bit of a pity, but they should be gone soon.

She has also had 3 new friends born. How exciting.

Bring on week 4!

Well, baby is almost 2 weeks old. Wow. It feels like we’ve had her for months and also that we’ve not had her at all.

I’m in 2 minds about this mother thing. I love her to bits – more than I thought I would. But being a mum isn’t much fun yet. You are just a food, poo and sleep machine. And I have only been at it for 10 days… I’m sure it gets better as you get more confident and bub gets more interactive, but at the moment it is pretty boring. Sometimes I just want out, I want to just be hubby and me again. But I wouldn’t give her up for anything.

And these hormones are crazy! One moment I am super-confident super-mum, able to handle any amount of pumpkin poo, and then next I am super-anxious hopeless helpless mum. I cried the other night because after a really unsettled period both hubby and kidlet went quiet and I walked upstairs and she was asleep in his arms. And then I lost it! They were so cute. Man, I’m a sook.

Please pray that I will love being a mum as much as I love kidlet. And that I will appreciate today and not worry about tomorrow…

Here is the story of kidlet’s grand entrance into this world, from facebook (written a couple of days after the fact);

We came home from hospital today. For those of you who haven’t heard, we went into hospital 5am Monday morning after trouble during the night. They weren’t too worried but because baby was so big they decided to induce me. So at about 7am they put a cannula in my hand (for blood and drugs). Hubby, after watching everything, decided to faint right in front of me. One moment he was standing next to me, holding my hand, then next he was lying on the floor out cold! He came to about 30 seconds later to be surrounded by nurses and doctors! They took him off to emergency for the next 4 hours. I wasn’t allowed to sit with him and he wasn’t allowed to sit with me! So I called his mum and she came in and looked after us.

She left about 2pm, and we started the induction. By 3.30pm we were in labour, and went from 1cm dilated to 9cm in the next 4 hours. By which time I had tried Pethadine (did nothing), gas (which caused me to feel more panicky) and finally a epidural (nice nice epidural)… I was squirming so much that they had to use a spinal block first…

I didn’t progress any further and by midnight intervention was needed. Because she was so big they decided to more me into an operating theatre so that they could do a c-section quickly if needed. But the surgeon reviewed the baby’s position and decided that she thought a c-section was the best option, so we went with that. She was spot on, as kidlet was facing backwards and there was no chance she would’ve come out naturally. She was born at 1.37am and after a quick cuddle we were re-united 2 hours later.

She has been quite an easy baby so far (please pray she continues to be so). She often sleeps over 3 hours after a feed. And sometimes I do too!

We would love to have visitors, I am bored at times! So if you would like to visit please email or sms me and I will let you know when is a good time.

Anyway, she is hungry, again! So duty calls. Actually she has just been asleep for over 4 hours – a personal record. We were watching Top Gear so maybe she was just distracted!